9/3/2018 0 Comments Cherish and Nourish**I've sat on this post for a week. Mainly because it's super vulnerable. But I think it's something many of my dear readers can identify with *and* there's a happy ending. So here goes...**
It's easy to let yourself “go” when you're a mom. I don't mean getting “fat” or not wearing makeup. I mean not giving yourself the time you need to take care of you... mentally, spiritually, or physically. These precious little ones demand so much around the clock that it's easier to put yourself last than try to “steal” the time you need. It's easy to become a martyr for motherhood. I find myself making a meal out of what my son doesn't finish, going days without a shower, and not prioritizing prayer or exercise because *He* needs me (no. Not Jesus. My 2 year old). But am I happy and healthy? Am I growing in holiness? As someone approaching a year of trying to get pregnant with no success, I'm having a hard time loving my body. Not just how it looks, but more so how it works. Or rather doesn't work. I feel like less of a woman than those who get pregnant so effortlessly. I feel unworthy of the life I have. My son deserves a sibling. My husband deserves more than one child. If my body is broken anyway, does it really matter what I feed it? It's easy for me to excuse poor diet choices because if it's broke, why bother? I've caught myself in this negative self talk daily lately. It's affecting many relationships in my life. Last Sunday’s second reading was the one my husband and I had read at our wedding mass because the idea of mutual self donation is one that is central to the sacrament and our married life, but that weekend, a different line stood out to me: For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. *deeeeeepbreath* Lately, I have been hating my body. I haven't been nourishing it or cherishing it. And it has just hit me: in failing to do so, I am failing to love Christ as I should. I am allowing part of His body to become weak, malnourished, and scorned. So today, I sat with the gospel over my first cup of coffee. Today, I walked the dog. Today, I took the time to make myself nourishing meals. Today, I denied myself a sugary afternoon boost *even though* my son didn't nap and I was feeling overwhelmed and tired and (maybe) chocolate could have made it all better. Today, I prayed a rosary. And tonight, I feel better than I did last night. Today was just a little healthier and holier than yesterday. And I hope to keep this going tomorrow. ***Want to join me? Tag @TheJoyfulLeap on Instagram and use the hashtag #cherishandnourish to share your tips and tricks on loving yourself every day... At the end of September, I'll pick one participant in the 'challenge' to send some assorted goodies to. Could be a Target Giftcard. But maybe Amazon. Let's love ourselves as Christ does, ladies. We are worthy. And our families need to see this.
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Do you have a ‘nursing song?’ The first song you find yourself singing while settling down to yet another feeding session? For me, it’s been Salve Regina. And it’s funny because it all started because it was a song I wanted to know by heart. Something I feel every Catholic should be able to sing. It became apparent in those early days that I would be nursing a.LOT. which gave me plenty of opportunity to practice Our Lady’s hymn. Nap time after nap time, bed time after bed time, my son was lulled to sleep, cradled in my arms listening to this ancient hymn. In the early days, I had my phone in one hand scrolling through the lyrics in my Laudate app, but soon, I didn’t need the phone and I could just belt it out. There were times where I thought that maybe I should have picked a different song as the tone and tenderness I sung it with fluctuated with my emotions and energy in the moment. When he bit, certain words of the hymn were shouted. When he was congested and constantly unlatching and latching because he couldn't breathe, I'd sometimes interrupt this prayer with confess-able phrases whispered under my breath. Despite this, it stayed the 'old familiar' bedtime song. Now he’s grown. He’ll be two and a half come September. And we don’t nurse when we’re out and about anymore because 1) he doesn’t ask all that often and 2) I’ve gotten back to enjoying clothes that I want to wear rather than clothes I can easily extract a ‘bobbie’ from. Nursing is happening less and less in a 24 hour time frame and I am OK with that. Recently at our parish, however, they have started singing the Salve Regina after communion. This is the time of mass where our dear son is typically asking to “Go OUUUUTTTT” or saying “Mommy, All Done” over and over. But the first Sunday they struck up the hymn, he dove into my chest and started pulling at my shirt asking for “Bobbies.” After assuring him he could have some as soon as we got home, he settled into my lap with a look of complete contentment on his face as we finished the hymn. And I started fighting tears. Unintentionally, but oh so beautifully, he’s become conditioned to associate the comfort and nourishment he has received from my body with the Church’s plea to our Mother of Mercy to bring us to Christ, the fruit of her womb. I pray that this feeling of comfort stays with him whenever he hears this hymn or gazes upon "our most gracious Advocate." And if we are blessed with any other children, I think I will stick with this hymn as our nursing song. 6/19/2018 0 Comments Sacred Space I spent the last five days taking care of my dear friend’s two little ones so she could attend (and be a gorgeous bridesmaid!) in her baby brother’s out-of-state wedding. Highlights included a lot of fun playing outside, eating popsicles at 9 in the morning to cool off (Dang, Virginia, why you so hot??), and playing hide and seek. Anyway, essentially, I was functioning as a mom to three for the past five days and as they pulled off with their momma this morning I let out a sigh. A big, tired, accomplished sigh. I single-handedly kept three kids alive, fed, clean, and mostly happy for five days (by the grace of God and with some help from my ever present sidekick of Coffee). And then I went to the bathroom and saw that, yet again, we’re not pregnant. And ya know what? It was O.K. Later, I sat in the driveway while my one and only played 'construction' in the driveway with his trucks and our gravel. I told him to look at his pinwheel because there was a breeze going in the shade and on cue, it slowly started to twirl and then spin into a blur and the smile on his face was just... The. Most. Joyful. Thing. Ever. He wanted to go for a walk, so I obliged and we took along the 4th of July pinwheel as we went up the hill and around the culdesac at a snail’s pace, with him pausing every few steps to point out a ‘kip-pup’ truck or an ant or to just look up at his twirling shiny pinwheel and laugh. And I realized this is a sacred and special time. I am aching and praying and trying to make him a big brother, but when that happens, this time is Gone. It will never be “just Mommy and Mark” again. Siblings are a beautiful gift, but the pace of our family will forever be changed. I did the same thing when we were trying to become parents for the first time. I spent so much of my time obsessing over my desire for gift of motherhood, I neglected to enjoy the time where we were a family of two. And I miss those days. So bad. I love being a mom, but I miss being able to give my full, undivided attention to my best friend. I need to slow down and just appreciate the beauty of our life right here, right now. Because it is so unbelievably beautiful. Leaving you with a tune of one of my great musical Loves... Hope it wraps you up. 6/12/2018 0 Comments Peace that Surpasses UnderstandingI ‘left’ the world of teaching for the second time this past Friday. I’ve got a Master’s Degree in Special Education and 8 years of teaching experience under my belt and I left.
The first time I left was to go on maternity leave. We tried for the ‘perfect teacher baby’ but when it became evident that we wouldn’t get pregnant when we necessarily wanted to, we said, “God. Whenever it happens, it happens.” Well. I got pregnant a week after leaving a super stressful job as a Special Ed Teacher in Public Schools which meant I spent most of my first trimester on Summer Vacation (sweet!) and started a new job at a Catholic school 12 (or so) weeks pregnant. Not wanting to be “That New Pregnant Teacher,” I waited until October to let my principal know. He literally jumped up and down and clapped for me (how great are Catholic Schools?!?!). When I expressed my desire to stay home indefinitely after the birth of our baby, he told me he ‘got it’ and even that he admired my desire to stay home (*jaw drop*). Flash forward to when our son was 20 (or so) months old and we were falling in the red every single month. A position as an assistant came up at the very same Catholic School I had taught at. Assisting meant I really was working *just* from 7:30-3:30 every day without all the after hour commitments that teachers have to give themselves to. A full time job also meant affordable and decent insurance for my son and I. It was *only* for 5 or so months. And I had a beautiful loving friend offer to care for my son while I was at work. So I took it. And let me tell you… These past 5 months have been the most exhausting, difficult, trying, fill-in-the-blank-with-more-synonyms months of my life. My respect for and awe of Full Time Working Out of the Home Mommas has skyrocketed. Being home full-time as my son’s primary caregiver was difficult and exhausting, but emotionally, I was happier. Working full-time, my mom guilt was off. the. Charts. I just couldn’t do it any longer. I know some moms feel like they are better moms because of the time spent away from their children working… The time spent with their children is more precious and valued because the hours are so few. I totally get that in theory and I am sure it is true for some women, but for me personally (maybe it’s my temperament?), it didn’t work out that way. I felt like I was giving less than 50% of myself to my job and my son and there was nothing left for my home (much less my husband, poor man). I was miserable. The house was an epic disaster which made me feel unhappy and overwhelmed whenever I was home. I was only seeing my son the hours of the day where he was most grumpy (not fun) and I was falling asleep getting him to sleep which meant no time with my husband. I truly felt like I was in survival mode. The last week of the school year at my annual review, I was strongly encouraged to apply for a (very appealing) job for next school year. And I was surprisingly strongly tempted to do so given what these last 5 months have felt like. I’d have the daily adult interaction that I crave. I’d be teaching *Only* my favorite subject (Religion). I wouldn’t have a home room (and all the drama that can entail). And I’d be making more than I was as an assistant (yay for financial security/a bit of extras to “Treat Yo’Self”). After thinking it over and praying, I turned it down. There was trepidation leading up to clicking ‘send’ on that email, but what followed was great peace. Last month, I participated in a Book Club via the Small Things Community lead by Nancy Bandzuch. We read “My Sisters, The Saints.” In the book, the author is faced with a decision… success and prestige from a job (at the WHITE HOUSE!!!) or moving back home to get married and start a family. Staying with a job that others in her field envied or doing something that seemed foolish and old-fashioned and ‘anti-feminist.’ She was waiting and waiting for a flashing neon sign from God telling her which path to choose and it never happened. But one day, through praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet (Jesus, I trust in YOU!), she felt the call to chose the path that required more trust in God. And she resigned from her speech-writing career for the President of the US of A and went home to marry her fiance. The comparison seems silly, but the truth is, for any half-way decent teacher, there will ALWAYS be a teaching position available. Always. And I've been told I am a Good Teacher. But, my son won’t always be little. He won’t always want wake-up snuggles and kisses on his boo boos or for mommy to “Do some Puppets, puh-leeeease.” I want to be there for every moment because the moments are fleeting, and quite frankly, he might be the only child we are ever blessed with here on this Earth. I know the coming months (years?) will be filled with strict budgets, eating only homemade meals, travel cups of coffee rather than a Starbucks run, and off brand groceries, but I’m okay with that. Our choice might seem confusing to others. They might not understand. But we're at peace. We’ll find a way. And we'll be happier too. Jesus, I trust in You. St. Faustina, Pray for us. In the Gospel for mass on June 1st, Jesus tells us: "Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours." I’ve heard this before. But Friday morning, while I was listening to it via the USCCB website while mixing up a batch of my favorite ‘breakfast cookies,’ it brought on a full body shudder and tears. The tears came from a wild combination of emotions… Awe and Joy: How Generous is Our God! Followed by Doubt: Is it really That Simple? Followed by Guilt: Why can’t I fully trust that God will give me what I ask for in prayer? Then Shame: This is why we’re still waiting. It’s my fault. I remember having a dream when I was 5 or 6 that I could levitate. The dream was so vivid that I ran down the stairs in the morning and jumped off the landing several times believing that I would be able to float mid air in the living room. Prayer can feel like that sometimes. The things you are asking for seem as big and huge and impossible as being able to levitate, but our faith calls us to ask Our Father for these things believing they will be granted, so we do. But do we really believe? My doubt doesn’t spring from a lack of belief in the power of Our Lord, but rather the question of whether what I am asking is His Will. What I want might not be part of The Master’s Plan, so maybe I’m praying for something that will never happen. I’ve tried changing my prayers, asking Him to move me to a place of acceptance, to change my heart to accept the fact that we will never have another child, if we’ll never have another child, but that just seems too close to giving up. So I keep asking for the gift of another pregnancy. Another chance to feel those kicks in my womb. Another chance to feel the strength and power I felt as I birthed my son. To revel in the beauty of new life with my husband. To watch our son be a Big Brother. NFP is beautiful in that it allows a couple each cycle to re-visit the question: “Is now a good time?” but when you’re experiencing delayed conception (as I heard Anna over at Fertility Restoration Project call it), it means every month is another cycle of sadness, followed by vulnerable hope, and then crushing disappointment. And you feel so stupid for squeezing your eyes tight and making that jump again like a 5 year old trying to levitate because of a vivid dream but you do it anyway. Because this is a dream that *could* be a reality, unlike acquiring the ability to fly… But is it God’s will for me? In the second video module of Organic Conceptions, Marc and Kate discuss the Conception of Doubt and this phrase has really struck a chord with me. While waiting for that Big Fat Positive, month after month, cycle after cycle, you become ‘pregnant’ with Doubt. Doubt grows into Fear and Worry which, as followers of Christ, we are to avoid. We are called to be reckless in our Trust of Him who Loves us. Scripture and the writings of the saints are full of admonishments to “Pray, Hope, and Do Not Worry.” How do you pray and believe when it’s been so long waiting for an answer? How do you keep the doubts in check so they don’t begin to affect all areas of your life? Hoping the next modules will give me some answers and peace. Until then, using the words from Mark’s Gospel, I cry out: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 As made clear in my last post, we’re ready for another baby. We’re tired of waiting. Time keeps on and we’re not getting pregnant. Why haven’t we considered IVF?
I’m going to put aside the fact that I am Catholic and that it’s not a moral choice and explain the other reasons why IVF just isn’t for us.
I'll close with a quote from an article Verily Magazine ran back in 2016 that still gets me every time (you can read the whole thing here... If you are considering IVF treatment, *please* read this first): "As the treatments began... my desire for a baby only grew. Unfortunately, so did my stubbornness and my impatience; I was determined to be a mom at what felt like any cost... Looking back, I realize that I was in a dangerous place emotionally. I was making decisions out of fear and other unruly feelings rather than out of a clear mind that was capable of weighing the risks and benefits to all persons involved, including any new human life that may be created in the process. At the same time, my husband and I were growing apart. He didn’t understand the way I was acting or why I felt so strongly about having a child. He didn’t experience desperation the way I did, and his attitude of acceptance of our infertility made me angry and allowed more distance to grow between us." Please pray for us on our journey through secondary infertility and I will pray for you! I was going to meet my husband as an undergrad. We were going to get married the summer after graduation and start having all the babies. By thirty, I’d be a homeschooling mom of 3 or 4 cherubs and be growing a 4th (or 5th). That was the timeline. My Plan. Well, as God said through the prophet Isaiah: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” I graduated with a Masters in Education and taught as a special ed teacher for 3 years before I met my husband… not at a coffee shop because of my strategically displayed, intriguing book choice, not at a traffic light when we happened to exchange glances and noticed that we were rocking out to the same song, nor at the ever-so-popular Catholic Singles Scene of Theology on Tap, but online through CatholicMatch.com. We dated for a year and a half, got engaged on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and then got married the Church minimum marriage prep time of six months later. (Aside: I remember going dress shopping a week after my engagement and the sales lady told me I should have been looking for a dress months ago if I wanted to get married in June. Poor planning on my part… *eyeroll* We didn’t buy my dress there, rather I found the perfect dress half off at another store and walked out with it same day.) I was 27 when I ‘finally’ got married. I started out married life ‘behind.’ But it was okay. I changed my timeline to accommodate for a year of adjustment to married life in a new town with a new job and then we’d have our first baby. But then, it took a year of trying before we became parents. Flash forward two years and I find myself trapped in this same self-imposed timeline again. I’m behind. I’m not pregnant with our second baby yet. Our son is already 25 months. I’m getting older and older. I’m running out of time. In three years, my pregnancies (if there are any) will be considered ‘geriatric’ and ‘high-risk.’ I had a well-meaning co-worker inform me that whenever we ‘decide’ to add to our family, there will be a three year gap between our children. I told her she could pray for us. A friendly parishioner told me it’s about that ‘time.’ Again, I begged prayers. Because, it’s not our decision. We can make every effort on our end but really, it’s out of our hands. I can get attached to a due date and then calculate when we’d be able to have the next one and the next one (did I mention I love being pregnant, being in labor, and newborns), but really, I have zero control. But how does one accept that, surrender the desire to control and plan, and just enjoy the abundant pleasures of Now (because there really are so many and Life is So Beautiful)? In a way, dealing with infertility is like dealing with the loss of a loved one. Each month there’s another hypothetical child you’ve created in your mind, calculated a due date for, and become quite attached to. You create a list reasons why *this* is the cycle God would chose. Why now is the perfect time. You bargain with Him, offering various prayers and giving up things you enjoy in hopes that He'll give you the gift of that tiny plus sign. And then another bloody cycle starts and it feels like a death. (Whyyyyy did God design us to bleed this way?) I’ve been told I need to hand it over to Christ. Lay it at the feet of the cross and be at peace knowing He knows the desires of my heart. And I have. I have placed this ache at His feet time and again. Asked His Mother to undo this Knot in my life through rosaries and novenas. But the peace isn’t there. I am stuck in the anger and depression stages of the grieving process. It’s turned into feelings of brokenness and doubt, at times, even self-loathing. It’s affecting my relationships. Why doesn’t my body do what it’s supposed to do? Why did God place this desire in my heart for more kids if He is never going to make it happen? And what if we are called to be parents of ‘only’ one? We needed NAPRO* support to conceive our son. We know the ‘formula’ that worked last time. But since my son is still nursing, we can’t proceed down that same path. Being me, I need to be doing something that feels productive while waiting. I am not happy feeling stuck. Last week, my sister-in-law sent me a newsletter from Natural Womanhood. In it, was an article about a new(ish) program called Organic Conceptions and its successful pairing with NAPRO patients for all around physical and emotional help. BINGO. I’ve signed up and will be beginning the program with my husband soon, sharing my thoughts with you here as we go. Maybe you’re where I am. Maybe this can help you. My husband is fond of reminding me that my body can work… that God does know what He’s doing, “Just look at our son.” And it’s true. If any other cycle of trying had worked, he wouldn’t be here. And I can’t imagine life without him. God does have a plan for us and I need to work on finding peace and joy in the Now as I try to trust Him. Because, to quote Isaiah again: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” *NAPRO= Natural Procreative Technology… A NAPRO Doctor uses information gathered from blood work and charting of your fertility signs to pinpoint what is keeping your body from conceiving and then, using supplements and often bio-identical hormones and sometimes surgery, corrects the issues so your body is healthy and able to accept (and continue) a pregnancy. 3/13/2018 0 Comments Struggling with Envy"He said to him, 'Do you want to be well?' The sick man answered Him, 'Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me.' Jesus said to him, 'Rise, take up your mat, and walk.' Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked." (See John 5:1-16 for the full reading) With my job, I can't make it to daily mass. During Lent, I've been trying (and often forgetting) to spend some time with the Daily Mass Readings. This morning, partially due to a two hour delay but also by God's Grace, I remembered to go to the USCCB website and give the readings for the day a listen. The Gospel jumped out at me, particularly the words of the sick man... "While I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me." I read it in a whiny, complaining tone... whether that was how the man spoke or not, I have no idea, but that's how I heard it. And I think God was using it to speak to me, perhaps to admonish a bit. As I've shared before, it took some time and quite a bit of NAPRO help for us to conceive our son. He is almost two and we've been ready for a while now for him to be a big brother. And it Still. Hasn't. Happened. And I've been stuck in a "Woe is Me" slash "Why have you Forsaken me?" mindset for a while. All around me, couples are "getting there” before us. And l'm stuck feeling envious and forgotten. Envy is a very ugly thing and it can dramatically change how you see your life. They say you turn ‘green with Envy,’ but I'd argue that envy robs your world of all the colors of your many blessings and answered prayers leaving you only with muted shades of black, grey, and white. I find myself responding to ‘look on the bright side’ thoughts or comments from good-hearted friends or my husband with words or thoughts that start with ‘yeeeeah, but…’ and everything fades to this dark colorless world. The many blessings and gifts God has bestowed are robbed of their full beauty as this one gift I’ve been asking for has still not arrived. One Fact I need to remind myself of is this: God’s love and generosity knows no limits. He doesn’t have a quota of “BFPs*” to hand out each year. In today's Gospel, the moment that man turned his gaze from the others who had made it to the pool before him and fixed his gaze on Christ, his whole life was changed. So, following in his example, I need to focus more constantly and consistently on Christ, make my desires known, and keep in mind the many examples of His Faithfulness and Goodness in my life already. I need to thank Him daily for the miracle that is our son and the gift that is my husband (who, in all the superficial ways and not-so superficial ways is exactly who I prayed to meet and marry). Whenever we are again blessed with a baby, I am sure he or she will be exactly who God intended me to be a momma to and that they will create/fill a space in my heart that I couldn’t imagine filling with any other delightful little squish. “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” *~Philippians 4:6 *Big Fat Positives
10/9/2017 0 Comments The First Time He BledI thought I’d be able to avoid it. I thought I could be the exception. They say it happens to every baby at some point, no matter what, but I thought by creating ‘baby proof spaces’ and being extra vigilant, it could be avoided.
8/22/2017 0 Comments Moms helping Moms...Hello, Dear Reader. I've missed you. And I've missed two Momma Musings Mondays. I am sorry. Last Monday, I was gone in the woods with my parents, four siblings, their spouses, and adorable babies. M got to be crazy with his cousins, eat ice cream from a cone, and play in the sand/ refuse to go in the water for the first time ever. I got to work on some crochet projects and work on finishing A Mother's Rule for Life. Yesterday, I was helping our new furry friend adapt to his new home (and new 'little brother'). His name is Chauncey. And he is pretty adorable and schnuggly and, Thank God, patient and gentle with our son.
Today, I wanted to share a podcast I was recently a part of... Nancy of Do Small Things With Love invited me to be a part of her Just One Small Thing Podcast and it was a BLAST. I love talking to other Catholic mommas and sharing in our common Joys and Struggles in this beautiful vocation. You can listen to the podcast here. The theme of the show is the importance of Mom to Mom support as well as reliance on the help we have from the Saints in heaven if we ask. To go along with that, I thought I would share some tidbits of wisdom I've gathered from other Catholic Mommas about those early days of motherhood... I wish someone had told me… (real Catholic mommas share the truth about the early days of motherhood) The first few weeks, the baby’s needs are Constant. And no matter how much you wanted to be a mom, you might get frustrated and resent the baby, This is normal. Every time you get used to something, baby will change it up on you. Figure out one self care thing you want to do for yourself every day: shower, nap, a hot cup of coffee etc. Communicate with your husband so he can make sure you get what you need. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your husband might not know what needs to be done. It's ok to let people help and to let things go a bit (tidying, etc) to recover properly. I made my c section recovery much harder by overdoing it. Take off as much time from work as possible and have the hubs do the same! It's so hard to transition to life with a baby...much less throwing work in there too. For many things in parenting, there is an "ideal" way to do things, but a lot of the time the ideal just doesn't work doesn't you or your family. That's okay. Do what works. If something isn't working, don't be afraid to try something different. Breastfeeding is a skill both of you have to learn how to do, so be patient with baby and yourself! Breastfeeding hurts for a while! Even with a perfect latch, your nerves and skin have to get used to a booby monster sucking on that area nearly constantly. It will get better! Re-Breastfeeding: If the pain seems unbearable,, talk to a lactation consultant and consider getting your child assessed for tongue and lips ties. Be sure to see someone who is trained to assess for them, because not all pediatricians are. You may need to see an ENT or pediatric dentist. Sometimes breastfeeding isn't easy! It is OK to struggle and seek help. Also, giving your baby formula does NOT make you a bad mom. Your hair falls out! Why doesn’t anyone tell people that?! I freaked out when my hair started falling out after my first. But it grows back! When we went through something particularly rough (sleepless nights, difficulty with naps, teething pain, trouble nursing...) It helped me so much to realize that this won't last forever. Knowing it would end made the struggles more bearable. Momma Readers: What's missing from the list? Comment below and share with the Momma-to-be-Readers! |
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September 2019
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