I see rants on blogs and Facebook almost weekly over the phrase “You’ve got your hands full.” Well here’s one for those of us Catholics on the opposite end of the fertility spectrum… those whose hands aren't full enough to meet the “Good Catholic Family” image. “So, you just have the one?” “Yes. Just my son.” Just. Definition please. Just: ADVERB 1) Barely, by a little 2) simply, only; no more than Can you use it in a sentence? I am a mother to Just One Son, Barely a mom. A mom by a little. Yes. Just One. And it took 12 months “trying,” 12 months of countless doctor appointments, lab visits, hormone supplementation, ultrasounds, and then after the BFP, shots of progesterone, twice a week in the butt (thanks, hubs!) for 36 weeks to keep him (that’s 72 needles... I have one syringe left un-used to wave at M if he ever becomes a snotty teenager... "look at what your mother endured for you to Be Here!"). Listen, please. One in Four women will experience pregnancy loss(es) in their lifetime. One in Eight will experience infertility. Often, there's an overlap. Sometimes they are blessed with a child (or children) after an agonizing wait or perhaps they will never get to hold their child(ren) on this earth. Or maybe they never see those two lines. These women are all around you. Your sister. Best friend. Co-worker. The alto next to you in choir. I am one of them. The fact is, I waited. And now I am waiting again. So when you ask me when we're gonna make him a big brother or say “it’s about time” or tell me “that's why I had mine so close together,” you’re adding weight to my cross. Weight that is already too heavy for me to bear. Weight that has me tired, bent, and breaking (and sometimes uncharitably sassy). Let’s stop using the word “just” or “only” in front of the number of children someone has. You are a mother or you aren't. You don’t level up or get your PhD in Motherhood once you have you N-th child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. Even if you “only” have one child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If all your children are already saints and to all outsiders your hands appear to be empty. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If you are bravely ‘open to life’ cycle after cycle, but again and again left empty and bleeding while you pursue parenthood only in ways that respect the Dignity of Human Life. You Are a Good Catholic Family. I see you. I pray for you. I love you. And you belong. St. Anne and Joachim, parents of Our Blessed Mother, Pray for us. ** Here is a great resource of how to be there for someone aching for parenthood. **I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!**
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1/9/2019 2 Comments Pierogi with Bobki**This is a post I’ve been sitting on for a bit. One I’ve wanted to get Just Right before hitting publish. But ya know what? Today is 31 years since she went home. So here it goes...
My Bobki died before I turned three. She loved to cook. She loved to bake. And She loved being Catholic. My ‘memories’ of her are photographs and stories as told by my mom and dad. She is someone I think (often) of and sigh with longing. She is someone I hope to have the joy of meeting someday. Maybe you have someone like this in your family? Someone who you long to have known. Someone whose presence is so Big in your family despite the fact that they are no longer physically here. My dad Loved (and still loves) his mother. Her name was Eleanor. I bear her name as my middle name and I remember one of my four brothers making fun of me one day… calling me "Kathryn Smell-some-more" over and over in a sing song-y voice within earshot of my dad. The look of fierce devotion and fierce grief in his face when he corrected that brother is an expression I will always Always Remember. You don’t make fun of his Momma. Since becoming a mom, trying to incorporate Liturgical celebrations into our family life has become very important to me, more specifically, incorporating traditions that marry our heritage as a family with our Catholic Faith. St. Faustina’s feast day crept up on me last year. I think I saw her listed as the Saint of the Day in Bishop Robert Barron’s daily gospel reflection email and thought, “Oh Snap. This is Big. What are we going to do?” Besides JPII, I’d argue that St.Faustina is The Most Well Known Polish Saint (feel free to disagree with me/turn me on to some other Holy Poles!) . With Bobki as such a huge influence on my father and hence, on me, I knew I wanted to make a Big Deal out of the feast to honor her as well. So I made Pierogi. From Scratch. Had I ever done it before? Nope. I googled a recipe and whispered a prayer asking Bobki to be with me as I made these Pierogi (something she was known for… that and her strawberry rhubarb pie). While I mixed and rolled the dough, cut the small circles, crimped the edges of each little dumpling… I felt Bobki with me. I saw her smiling. I heard her telling me that I was doing a good job and that these were turning out Just Right. And I cried. I cried because she’s gone. I cried because she is someone I ache to have known. I mourn the fact that I have no memories of our time together in my early childhood. And I cried because she *is* with me. As I try out recipes she was a legendary master of. When I prep and cook with my dad at Thanksgiving, making all the sides just as she did. As I listen to Polish Christmas Carols each December. She is There. I see her in myself. She showed her love and affection for her family through the care she put into creating food. She was indifferent to ‘let’s just stay home’ about the beach. And she loved her Blessed Mother and the Eucharist. Bobki, please pray for us! And may her soul and all the souls of the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace, Amen. (I love you, daddy!) 2019. New year, new you! Right? Well. I don’t know about you, but I am feeling a bit stuck. A bit like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, except it’s a 28-32 day roller coaster of emotions from sadness and anger, to acceptance, hope, impatience, more impatience, then back to sadness and anger again. Over and over, month after month. I’ve been told to ‘just relax’ and ‘let go.’ Not to fixate on each sign and symptom throughout my cycle, but when you’re charting and you’ve got different supplements and medications to take on certain days, it’s hard not to. Each time you pee is a reminder of The Goal, your hope, which if you’ve increased your water intake to help with cervical mucus, you spend a lot of time peeing (thank God I am not teaching full time at the moment. My teacher bladder is Gone). I’ve heard about Temperature blankets before and googled directions, looked at others finished projects on Instagram. For whatever reason, I’ve never started one before. But this year, towards the end of December, the idea grabbed onto me and wouldn’t let go. Something about the idea of growing something beautiful, little by little, day by day, all the while having very little control over what it will look like in the end, is very appealing to me right now. I’m not pregnant. My womb is empty. And no matter what we do to ‘increase the odds,’ it’s all in God’s timing. I read (or heard?) somewhere that even when both parents have perfectly functioning systems and ‘use’ the perfect days, chances are still 30%. THIRTY PERCENT. I can’t control this. It’s completely out of my hands. Same with this blanket. Beyond the color scheme and stitch pattern, it is Out of My Hands. I have no idea what it will look like in the end. Each stripe is determined by the high temperature of the day. Every row is an act of surrender all while engaging in an activity I find soothing. Knitting is therapeutic for me. I find it relaxing and it helps me feel ‘fertile’ in this barren season. There is more I want to say. More thoughts on why this is going to be hugely beneficial to me emotionally this year, but I wanted to Get This Out Now in case it might be something helpful to a reader as well. I know it’s the fifth day of the year, but it’s not too late. I knitted four rows last night because I hadn’t bought my yarn until yesterday. You can catch up and even work ahead throughout the year. Just check the weather. Knit or crochet, stripes or squares, blanket or scarf…. Poke around online and Instagram (#temperatureblanket) and see what strikes your fancy. If you decide to do this, I’d love to connect and share progress/cheer each other on throughout the year. You can find me on Instagram or Facebook via The Joyful Leap. It’s so nice to be excited about something again. **I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!** |
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September 2019
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