6/12/2018 0 Comments Peace that Surpasses UnderstandingI ‘left’ the world of teaching for the second time this past Friday. I’ve got a Master’s Degree in Special Education and 8 years of teaching experience under my belt and I left.
The first time I left was to go on maternity leave. We tried for the ‘perfect teacher baby’ but when it became evident that we wouldn’t get pregnant when we necessarily wanted to, we said, “God. Whenever it happens, it happens.” Well. I got pregnant a week after leaving a super stressful job as a Special Ed Teacher in Public Schools which meant I spent most of my first trimester on Summer Vacation (sweet!) and started a new job at a Catholic school 12 (or so) weeks pregnant. Not wanting to be “That New Pregnant Teacher,” I waited until October to let my principal know. He literally jumped up and down and clapped for me (how great are Catholic Schools?!?!). When I expressed my desire to stay home indefinitely after the birth of our baby, he told me he ‘got it’ and even that he admired my desire to stay home (*jaw drop*). Flash forward to when our son was 20 (or so) months old and we were falling in the red every single month. A position as an assistant came up at the very same Catholic School I had taught at. Assisting meant I really was working *just* from 7:30-3:30 every day without all the after hour commitments that teachers have to give themselves to. A full time job also meant affordable and decent insurance for my son and I. It was *only* for 5 or so months. And I had a beautiful loving friend offer to care for my son while I was at work. So I took it. And let me tell you… These past 5 months have been the most exhausting, difficult, trying, fill-in-the-blank-with-more-synonyms months of my life. My respect for and awe of Full Time Working Out of the Home Mommas has skyrocketed. Being home full-time as my son’s primary caregiver was difficult and exhausting, but emotionally, I was happier. Working full-time, my mom guilt was off. the. Charts. I just couldn’t do it any longer. I know some moms feel like they are better moms because of the time spent away from their children working… The time spent with their children is more precious and valued because the hours are so few. I totally get that in theory and I am sure it is true for some women, but for me personally (maybe it’s my temperament?), it didn’t work out that way. I felt like I was giving less than 50% of myself to my job and my son and there was nothing left for my home (much less my husband, poor man). I was miserable. The house was an epic disaster which made me feel unhappy and overwhelmed whenever I was home. I was only seeing my son the hours of the day where he was most grumpy (not fun) and I was falling asleep getting him to sleep which meant no time with my husband. I truly felt like I was in survival mode. The last week of the school year at my annual review, I was strongly encouraged to apply for a (very appealing) job for next school year. And I was surprisingly strongly tempted to do so given what these last 5 months have felt like. I’d have the daily adult interaction that I crave. I’d be teaching *Only* my favorite subject (Religion). I wouldn’t have a home room (and all the drama that can entail). And I’d be making more than I was as an assistant (yay for financial security/a bit of extras to “Treat Yo’Self”). After thinking it over and praying, I turned it down. There was trepidation leading up to clicking ‘send’ on that email, but what followed was great peace. Last month, I participated in a Book Club via the Small Things Community lead by Nancy Bandzuch. We read “My Sisters, The Saints.” In the book, the author is faced with a decision… success and prestige from a job (at the WHITE HOUSE!!!) or moving back home to get married and start a family. Staying with a job that others in her field envied or doing something that seemed foolish and old-fashioned and ‘anti-feminist.’ She was waiting and waiting for a flashing neon sign from God telling her which path to choose and it never happened. But one day, through praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet (Jesus, I trust in YOU!), she felt the call to chose the path that required more trust in God. And she resigned from her speech-writing career for the President of the US of A and went home to marry her fiance. The comparison seems silly, but the truth is, for any half-way decent teacher, there will ALWAYS be a teaching position available. Always. And I've been told I am a Good Teacher. But, my son won’t always be little. He won’t always want wake-up snuggles and kisses on his boo boos or for mommy to “Do some Puppets, puh-leeeease.” I want to be there for every moment because the moments are fleeting, and quite frankly, he might be the only child we are ever blessed with here on this Earth. I know the coming months (years?) will be filled with strict budgets, eating only homemade meals, travel cups of coffee rather than a Starbucks run, and off brand groceries, but I’m okay with that. Our choice might seem confusing to others. They might not understand. But we're at peace. We’ll find a way. And we'll be happier too. Jesus, I trust in You. St. Faustina, Pray for us.
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