6/19/2018 0 Comments Sacred Space I spent the last five days taking care of my dear friend’s two little ones so she could attend (and be a gorgeous bridesmaid!) in her baby brother’s out-of-state wedding. Highlights included a lot of fun playing outside, eating popsicles at 9 in the morning to cool off (Dang, Virginia, why you so hot??), and playing hide and seek. Anyway, essentially, I was functioning as a mom to three for the past five days and as they pulled off with their momma this morning I let out a sigh. A big, tired, accomplished sigh. I single-handedly kept three kids alive, fed, clean, and mostly happy for five days (by the grace of God and with some help from my ever present sidekick of Coffee). And then I went to the bathroom and saw that, yet again, we’re not pregnant. And ya know what? It was O.K. Later, I sat in the driveway while my one and only played 'construction' in the driveway with his trucks and our gravel. I told him to look at his pinwheel because there was a breeze going in the shade and on cue, it slowly started to twirl and then spin into a blur and the smile on his face was just... The. Most. Joyful. Thing. Ever. He wanted to go for a walk, so I obliged and we took along the 4th of July pinwheel as we went up the hill and around the culdesac at a snail’s pace, with him pausing every few steps to point out a ‘kip-pup’ truck or an ant or to just look up at his twirling shiny pinwheel and laugh. And I realized this is a sacred and special time. I am aching and praying and trying to make him a big brother, but when that happens, this time is Gone. It will never be “just Mommy and Mark” again. Siblings are a beautiful gift, but the pace of our family will forever be changed. I did the same thing when we were trying to become parents for the first time. I spent so much of my time obsessing over my desire for gift of motherhood, I neglected to enjoy the time where we were a family of two. And I miss those days. So bad. I love being a mom, but I miss being able to give my full, undivided attention to my best friend. I need to slow down and just appreciate the beauty of our life right here, right now. Because it is so unbelievably beautiful. Leaving you with a tune of one of my great musical Loves... Hope it wraps you up.
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6/12/2018 0 Comments Peace that Surpasses UnderstandingI ‘left’ the world of teaching for the second time this past Friday. I’ve got a Master’s Degree in Special Education and 8 years of teaching experience under my belt and I left.
The first time I left was to go on maternity leave. We tried for the ‘perfect teacher baby’ but when it became evident that we wouldn’t get pregnant when we necessarily wanted to, we said, “God. Whenever it happens, it happens.” Well. I got pregnant a week after leaving a super stressful job as a Special Ed Teacher in Public Schools which meant I spent most of my first trimester on Summer Vacation (sweet!) and started a new job at a Catholic school 12 (or so) weeks pregnant. Not wanting to be “That New Pregnant Teacher,” I waited until October to let my principal know. He literally jumped up and down and clapped for me (how great are Catholic Schools?!?!). When I expressed my desire to stay home indefinitely after the birth of our baby, he told me he ‘got it’ and even that he admired my desire to stay home (*jaw drop*). Flash forward to when our son was 20 (or so) months old and we were falling in the red every single month. A position as an assistant came up at the very same Catholic School I had taught at. Assisting meant I really was working *just* from 7:30-3:30 every day without all the after hour commitments that teachers have to give themselves to. A full time job also meant affordable and decent insurance for my son and I. It was *only* for 5 or so months. And I had a beautiful loving friend offer to care for my son while I was at work. So I took it. And let me tell you… These past 5 months have been the most exhausting, difficult, trying, fill-in-the-blank-with-more-synonyms months of my life. My respect for and awe of Full Time Working Out of the Home Mommas has skyrocketed. Being home full-time as my son’s primary caregiver was difficult and exhausting, but emotionally, I was happier. Working full-time, my mom guilt was off. the. Charts. I just couldn’t do it any longer. I know some moms feel like they are better moms because of the time spent away from their children working… The time spent with their children is more precious and valued because the hours are so few. I totally get that in theory and I am sure it is true for some women, but for me personally (maybe it’s my temperament?), it didn’t work out that way. I felt like I was giving less than 50% of myself to my job and my son and there was nothing left for my home (much less my husband, poor man). I was miserable. The house was an epic disaster which made me feel unhappy and overwhelmed whenever I was home. I was only seeing my son the hours of the day where he was most grumpy (not fun) and I was falling asleep getting him to sleep which meant no time with my husband. I truly felt like I was in survival mode. The last week of the school year at my annual review, I was strongly encouraged to apply for a (very appealing) job for next school year. And I was surprisingly strongly tempted to do so given what these last 5 months have felt like. I’d have the daily adult interaction that I crave. I’d be teaching *Only* my favorite subject (Religion). I wouldn’t have a home room (and all the drama that can entail). And I’d be making more than I was as an assistant (yay for financial security/a bit of extras to “Treat Yo’Self”). After thinking it over and praying, I turned it down. There was trepidation leading up to clicking ‘send’ on that email, but what followed was great peace. Last month, I participated in a Book Club via the Small Things Community lead by Nancy Bandzuch. We read “My Sisters, The Saints.” In the book, the author is faced with a decision… success and prestige from a job (at the WHITE HOUSE!!!) or moving back home to get married and start a family. Staying with a job that others in her field envied or doing something that seemed foolish and old-fashioned and ‘anti-feminist.’ She was waiting and waiting for a flashing neon sign from God telling her which path to choose and it never happened. But one day, through praying the Divine Mercy Chaplet (Jesus, I trust in YOU!), she felt the call to chose the path that required more trust in God. And she resigned from her speech-writing career for the President of the US of A and went home to marry her fiance. The comparison seems silly, but the truth is, for any half-way decent teacher, there will ALWAYS be a teaching position available. Always. And I've been told I am a Good Teacher. But, my son won’t always be little. He won’t always want wake-up snuggles and kisses on his boo boos or for mommy to “Do some Puppets, puh-leeeease.” I want to be there for every moment because the moments are fleeting, and quite frankly, he might be the only child we are ever blessed with here on this Earth. I know the coming months (years?) will be filled with strict budgets, eating only homemade meals, travel cups of coffee rather than a Starbucks run, and off brand groceries, but I’m okay with that. Our choice might seem confusing to others. They might not understand. But we're at peace. We’ll find a way. And we'll be happier too. Jesus, I trust in You. St. Faustina, Pray for us. In the Gospel for mass on June 1st, Jesus tells us: "Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours." I’ve heard this before. But Friday morning, while I was listening to it via the USCCB website while mixing up a batch of my favorite ‘breakfast cookies,’ it brought on a full body shudder and tears. The tears came from a wild combination of emotions… Awe and Joy: How Generous is Our God! Followed by Doubt: Is it really That Simple? Followed by Guilt: Why can’t I fully trust that God will give me what I ask for in prayer? Then Shame: This is why we’re still waiting. It’s my fault. I remember having a dream when I was 5 or 6 that I could levitate. The dream was so vivid that I ran down the stairs in the morning and jumped off the landing several times believing that I would be able to float mid air in the living room. Prayer can feel like that sometimes. The things you are asking for seem as big and huge and impossible as being able to levitate, but our faith calls us to ask Our Father for these things believing they will be granted, so we do. But do we really believe? My doubt doesn’t spring from a lack of belief in the power of Our Lord, but rather the question of whether what I am asking is His Will. What I want might not be part of The Master’s Plan, so maybe I’m praying for something that will never happen. I’ve tried changing my prayers, asking Him to move me to a place of acceptance, to change my heart to accept the fact that we will never have another child, if we’ll never have another child, but that just seems too close to giving up. So I keep asking for the gift of another pregnancy. Another chance to feel those kicks in my womb. Another chance to feel the strength and power I felt as I birthed my son. To revel in the beauty of new life with my husband. To watch our son be a Big Brother. NFP is beautiful in that it allows a couple each cycle to re-visit the question: “Is now a good time?” but when you’re experiencing delayed conception (as I heard Anna over at Fertility Restoration Project call it), it means every month is another cycle of sadness, followed by vulnerable hope, and then crushing disappointment. And you feel so stupid for squeezing your eyes tight and making that jump again like a 5 year old trying to levitate because of a vivid dream but you do it anyway. Because this is a dream that *could* be a reality, unlike acquiring the ability to fly… But is it God’s will for me? In the second video module of Organic Conceptions, Marc and Kate discuss the Conception of Doubt and this phrase has really struck a chord with me. While waiting for that Big Fat Positive, month after month, cycle after cycle, you become ‘pregnant’ with Doubt. Doubt grows into Fear and Worry which, as followers of Christ, we are to avoid. We are called to be reckless in our Trust of Him who Loves us. Scripture and the writings of the saints are full of admonishments to “Pray, Hope, and Do Not Worry.” How do you pray and believe when it’s been so long waiting for an answer? How do you keep the doubts in check so they don’t begin to affect all areas of your life? Hoping the next modules will give me some answers and peace. Until then, using the words from Mark’s Gospel, I cry out: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24 |
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