3/13/2018 0 Comments Struggling with Envy"He said to him, 'Do you want to be well?' The sick man answered Him, 'Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; while I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me.' Jesus said to him, 'Rise, take up your mat, and walk.' Immediately the man became well, took up his mat, and walked." (See John 5:1-16 for the full reading) With my job, I can't make it to daily mass. During Lent, I've been trying (and often forgetting) to spend some time with the Daily Mass Readings. This morning, partially due to a two hour delay but also by God's Grace, I remembered to go to the USCCB website and give the readings for the day a listen. The Gospel jumped out at me, particularly the words of the sick man... "While I am on my way, someone else gets down there before me." I read it in a whiny, complaining tone... whether that was how the man spoke or not, I have no idea, but that's how I heard it. And I think God was using it to speak to me, perhaps to admonish a bit. As I've shared before, it took some time and quite a bit of NAPRO help for us to conceive our son. He is almost two and we've been ready for a while now for him to be a big brother. And it Still. Hasn't. Happened. And I've been stuck in a "Woe is Me" slash "Why have you Forsaken me?" mindset for a while. All around me, couples are "getting there” before us. And l'm stuck feeling envious and forgotten. Envy is a very ugly thing and it can dramatically change how you see your life. They say you turn ‘green with Envy,’ but I'd argue that envy robs your world of all the colors of your many blessings and answered prayers leaving you only with muted shades of black, grey, and white. I find myself responding to ‘look on the bright side’ thoughts or comments from good-hearted friends or my husband with words or thoughts that start with ‘yeeeeah, but…’ and everything fades to this dark colorless world. The many blessings and gifts God has bestowed are robbed of their full beauty as this one gift I’ve been asking for has still not arrived. One Fact I need to remind myself of is this: God’s love and generosity knows no limits. He doesn’t have a quota of “BFPs*” to hand out each year. In today's Gospel, the moment that man turned his gaze from the others who had made it to the pool before him and fixed his gaze on Christ, his whole life was changed. So, following in his example, I need to focus more constantly and consistently on Christ, make my desires known, and keep in mind the many examples of His Faithfulness and Goodness in my life already. I need to thank Him daily for the miracle that is our son and the gift that is my husband (who, in all the superficial ways and not-so superficial ways is exactly who I prayed to meet and marry). Whenever we are again blessed with a baby, I am sure he or she will be exactly who God intended me to be a momma to and that they will create/fill a space in my heart that I couldn’t imagine filling with any other delightful little squish. “Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God.” *~Philippians 4:6 *Big Fat Positives
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