7/30/2019 1 Comment Blue behind the GreyI looked up. The sky was grey with one tiny sliver of blue showing through the clouds. Another month of hopes crashing as a second line never appeared and the dreaded Aunt made her timely visit. The darkness of the sky seemed to mimic my mood or maybe my mood was being 'enhanced' by the weather but still. That sliver was So Bright. The same brilliant shade that I revel in on those sunshine-y, sunglasses on, windows down type of days. I had been driving to pick up my son after work, finishing my rosary, when I suddenly started sobbing at the words of the Glory Be: As it Was in the beginning, is Now, and Ever Shall Be, world without end, Amen Living with infertility can feel like day after day of grey skies and uncertainties. Will this cycle be The One? Should we be trying this supplement? Taking this medication? Considering surgery? If we just let it go and 'relax' how long will we have to wait until it happens on its own? Would it happen on its own? As I was pushing my ever-bigger-boy in the stroller on that cloudy day, I thought, "I wonder if the sky is Always Blue, even behind the clouds?" A quick google search seems to say No, but ya know what? For the sake of an analogy, let's say it is. God is that blue sky. He is always there. He never changes. No matter how big or dark the clouds of your life feels, God is still there the same as He was and ever shall be. There are going to be days where it's easy to see this and others where you'll completely question the Blueness of the Sky, but it doesn't change the fact of His existence. The God who created over 400,000 different types of flowering plants and 1.5 million types of beetles is there waiting for YOU to pour out your heart to Him in prayer and wanting to give you hope and comfort and strength as you navigate through these cloudy days. **I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!**
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I see rants on blogs and Facebook almost weekly over the phrase “You’ve got your hands full.” Well here’s one for those of us Catholics on the opposite end of the fertility spectrum… those whose hands aren't full enough to meet the “Good Catholic Family” image. “So, you just have the one?” “Yes. Just my son.” Just. Definition please. Just: ADVERB 1) Barely, by a little 2) simply, only; no more than Can you use it in a sentence? I am a mother to Just One Son, Barely a mom. A mom by a little. Yes. Just One. And it took 12 months “trying,” 12 months of countless doctor appointments, lab visits, hormone supplementation, ultrasounds, and then after the BFP, shots of progesterone, twice a week in the butt (thanks, hubs!) for 36 weeks to keep him (that’s 72 needles... I have one syringe left un-used to wave at M if he ever becomes a snotty teenager... "look at what your mother endured for you to Be Here!"). Listen, please. One in Four women will experience pregnancy loss(es) in their lifetime. One in Eight will experience infertility. Often, there's an overlap. Sometimes they are blessed with a child (or children) after an agonizing wait or perhaps they will never get to hold their child(ren) on this earth. Or maybe they never see those two lines. These women are all around you. Your sister. Best friend. Co-worker. The alto next to you in choir. I am one of them. The fact is, I waited. And now I am waiting again. So when you ask me when we're gonna make him a big brother or say “it’s about time” or tell me “that's why I had mine so close together,” you’re adding weight to my cross. Weight that is already too heavy for me to bear. Weight that has me tired, bent, and breaking (and sometimes uncharitably sassy). Let’s stop using the word “just” or “only” in front of the number of children someone has. You are a mother or you aren't. You don’t level up or get your PhD in Motherhood once you have you N-th child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. Even if you “only” have one child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If all your children are already saints and to all outsiders your hands appear to be empty. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If you are bravely ‘open to life’ cycle after cycle, but again and again left empty and bleeding while you pursue parenthood only in ways that respect the Dignity of Human Life. You Are a Good Catholic Family. I see you. I pray for you. I love you. And you belong. St. Anne and Joachim, parents of Our Blessed Mother, Pray for us. ** Here is a great resource of how to be there for someone aching for parenthood. **I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!** 11/4/2018 0 Comments Best Goodwill Purchase Ever**I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!** Let me tell you about this sweater right here. I’m a bit of a ‘goodwill-er.’ Every so often, there’s an inner voice urging me to go browse. I find it very enjoyable to search through the racks to trying to find a treasure. Most days are a bust, but every once in awhile, I find something really special. Like this sweater. I’m sure I was looking for jeans or maxi skirts (an endless quest) and this precious little piece was hanging at the end of a rack, quite out of place, as if someone had thought about buying it and then abruptly changed their minds on the way to checkout. It stopped me in my tracks. Why in the world would someone have put this back? I looked it over for holes, a pull, a stain… Nothing. It was in perfect condition. The only way it could have been more of a ‘no brainer’ purchase was if it was tagged with the ‘color of the week’ and was 50% off. I took it home. Washed and dried it, fully intending to gift it to my nephew. It seemed something his mom would go crazy over. As I pulled it out of the dryer, I held it up at eye level and just stared. And then I gave it a hug and cried. You see, I found this sweater when we were in the midst of figuring out why we weren’t parents yet. I was going in for monthly blood work, taking all kinds of supplements, praying novena after novena, and waiting. Losing hope as each cycle started without any sort delay. Never a day or two late to get excited over.** Definitively Not Pregnant. I know it sounds crazy. But I kept the sweater. I put it in the closet of the room we hoped would one day be a nursery. Did I know we’d ever have a child? No. Did I know my first child would be a son? No. Did I know this would even be ‘his size’ in the right season? Of course not. But in that moment, keeping it gave me a small taste of hope and a little bit of joy in a very dark time of my life. And today, when he wore it to mass, putting it on without the usual fuss and struggle, my heart exploded with love and awe at God’s work in my life. And just as on the day I bought it, I felt hope, something that I am tired of allowing myself to feel as we again find ourselves in a season of waiting. You can bet he is gonna wear the heck out of this sweater because I need the reminder that God has done it once. He can do it again. I’m sharing because maybe you have a friend or an acquaintance with a collection of baby clothes or toys with no child. Maybe they are open about their desires or maybe they just laugh it off as a quirky habit. Maybe this is even You. And I want you to know you aren’t being foolish. We need to do things that give us hope in the journey. Make us feel Joy. I pray that those items are put to use someday in a way that makes you stop and thank God for the good he has done for you. And I pray you don’t have long to wait. ** Looking back, I realize this was incredibly merciful… I have friends who have a 3 or 4 week wait as opposed to the dreaded 2 week wait |
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