In the Gospel for mass on June 1st, Jesus tells us: "Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours." I’ve heard this before. But Friday morning, while I was listening to it via the USCCB website while mixing up a batch of my favorite ‘breakfast cookies,’ it brought on a full body shudder and tears. The tears came from a wild combination of emotions… Awe and Joy: How Generous is Our God! Followed by Doubt: Is it really That Simple? Followed by Guilt: Why can’t I fully trust that God will give me what I ask for in prayer? Then Shame: This is why we’re still waiting. It’s my fault. I remember having a dream when I was 5 or 6 that I could levitate. The dream was so vivid that I ran down the stairs in the morning and jumped off the landing several times believing that I would be able to float mid air in the living room. Prayer can feel like that sometimes. The things you are asking for seem as big and huge and impossible as being able to levitate, but our faith calls us to ask Our Father for these things believing they will be granted, so we do. But do we really believe? My doubt doesn’t spring from a lack of belief in the power of Our Lord, but rather the question of whether what I am asking is His Will. What I want might not be part of The Master’s Plan, so maybe I’m praying for something that will never happen. I’ve tried changing my prayers, asking Him to move me to a place of acceptance, to change my heart to accept the fact that we will never have another child, if we’ll never have another child, but that just seems too close to giving up. So I keep asking for the gift of another pregnancy. Another chance to feel those kicks in my womb. Another chance to feel the strength and power I felt as I birthed my son. To revel in the beauty of new life with my husband. To watch our son be a Big Brother. NFP is beautiful in that it allows a couple each cycle to re-visit the question: “Is now a good time?” but when you’re experiencing delayed conception (as I heard Anna over at Fertility Restoration Project call it), it means every month is another cycle of sadness, followed by vulnerable hope, and then crushing disappointment. And you feel so stupid for squeezing your eyes tight and making that jump again like a 5 year old trying to levitate because of a vivid dream but you do it anyway. Because this is a dream that *could* be a reality, unlike acquiring the ability to fly… But is it God’s will for me? In the second video module of Organic Conceptions, Marc and Kate discuss the Conception of Doubt and this phrase has really struck a chord with me. While waiting for that Big Fat Positive, month after month, cycle after cycle, you become ‘pregnant’ with Doubt. Doubt grows into Fear and Worry which, as followers of Christ, we are to avoid. We are called to be reckless in our Trust of Him who Loves us. Scripture and the writings of the saints are full of admonishments to “Pray, Hope, and Do Not Worry.” How do you pray and believe when it’s been so long waiting for an answer? How do you keep the doubts in check so they don’t begin to affect all areas of your life? Hoping the next modules will give me some answers and peace. Until then, using the words from Mark’s Gospel, I cry out: “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24
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