I see rants on blogs and Facebook almost weekly over the phrase “You’ve got your hands full.” Well here’s one for those of us Catholics on the opposite end of the fertility spectrum… those whose hands aren't full enough to meet the “Good Catholic Family” image. “So, you just have the one?” “Yes. Just my son.” Just. Definition please. Just: ADVERB 1) Barely, by a little 2) simply, only; no more than Can you use it in a sentence? I am a mother to Just One Son, Barely a mom. A mom by a little. Yes. Just One. And it took 12 months “trying,” 12 months of countless doctor appointments, lab visits, hormone supplementation, ultrasounds, and then after the BFP, shots of progesterone, twice a week in the butt (thanks, hubs!) for 36 weeks to keep him (that’s 72 needles... I have one syringe left un-used to wave at M if he ever becomes a snotty teenager... "look at what your mother endured for you to Be Here!"). Listen, please. One in Four women will experience pregnancy loss(es) in their lifetime. One in Eight will experience infertility. Often, there's an overlap. Sometimes they are blessed with a child (or children) after an agonizing wait or perhaps they will never get to hold their child(ren) on this earth. Or maybe they never see those two lines. These women are all around you. Your sister. Best friend. Co-worker. The alto next to you in choir. I am one of them. The fact is, I waited. And now I am waiting again. So when you ask me when we're gonna make him a big brother or say “it’s about time” or tell me “that's why I had mine so close together,” you’re adding weight to my cross. Weight that is already too heavy for me to bear. Weight that has me tired, bent, and breaking (and sometimes uncharitably sassy). Let’s stop using the word “just” or “only” in front of the number of children someone has. You are a mother or you aren't. You don’t level up or get your PhD in Motherhood once you have you N-th child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. Even if you “only” have one child. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If all your children are already saints and to all outsiders your hands appear to be empty. You Are a Good Catholic Family. If you are bravely ‘open to life’ cycle after cycle, but again and again left empty and bleeding while you pursue parenthood only in ways that respect the Dignity of Human Life. You Are a Good Catholic Family. I see you. I pray for you. I love you. And you belong. St. Anne and Joachim, parents of Our Blessed Mother, Pray for us. ** Here is a great resource of how to be there for someone aching for parenthood. **I have written a 7 Sorrows Devotional booklet specifically for Catholic Women facing Infertility... you can find it here. Please reach out if you would like me to pray for you!!**
9 Comments
Amy
11/4/2019 06:20:05 am
Yes. Thank you. I know this all too well. THANK YOU for putting in to words what I so often can not....
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Katie
11/4/2019 11:07:56 am
Thank YOU for reading and responding... I'm obnoxiously open about this partially to find some solidarity.
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Lisa Garcia
11/4/2019 08:37:12 am
Thank you for you writing this. I'm facing primary infertility, and the cross is very hard to bear at times. Please pray for me. I will be checking out your book. It's hard to find good books targeting Catholic couples facing infertility.
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Katie
11/4/2019 11:10:09 am
Lisa: I just started a 54 day novena two days ago. I will add you to my intentions. If you aren't already working with a NAPRO technology doctor, I highly recommend it. If you are, I pray they find an answer and you are blessed with a child! I hope my book brings you some comfort and hope. Reach out if you want to talk to someone. I'm willing to be an ear <3
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Jennifer
11/4/2019 09:23:26 am
This happens in Orthodox Judaism as well. Although I am not Orthodox, my family goes to an Orthodox run temple. A few times the Rabbi asked, so when is the next one coming? Or something along those lines. I was 39 when I had my son, and I also have Lupus, which DID flare when he was 6 months old. That alone would make me think VERY hard about the risks involved with having another child. Then my son was diagnosed with Autism at 2 years old. That sealed the deal. The risks of the second child having Autism also are astronomical.
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Katie
11/4/2019 11:06:28 am
It is so hard to know what to say to people, especially people who have good intentions/aren't just being nosy. Sounds like you have a supportive community! Holding a baby is some good therapy <3
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Jennifer
11/4/2019 01:52:12 pm
So much this! I'm a mother to 1 son and 1 saint, suffering from secondary infertility. Infertility is so hard, infertility as a Catholic can be brutal. Thank you for your words.
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Anastasia
11/7/2019 03:12:17 pm
Thank you for this. My husband and I are also dealing with infertility. I have had 3 surgeries, and now and my doctor just told us that I need 2 more. My husband also has infertility problems. This is such a hard cross to bear, especially when people start suggesting fertility options that are morally wrong in Catholic belief. It is so helpful to know other people are struggling and praying too.
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Kelly
4/23/2020 05:26:56 pm
Thank you for your words! It can be a cross for sure but all things work for good for those that love God. Please pray for us as well have one little saint and would love to give him little siblings this side of heaven.
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